Lately, I’ve been ignoring my journal…for a couple of months now. I really can’t say why. Maybe I had nothing to write about? No, I have a lot to write about, but sometimes I can’t think straight or maybe it’s just too hard to think. Lately, I’ve existed in a constant state of emptiness…I have no purpose…NOW…lol I feel like Annie Hall singing about tomorrow. Only my tomorrow is the end of June when my best friend comes to visit all the way from Minnesota. Seeing my friend again is the only thing I’ve dreamed about, but as the day approaches I’ve began to notice something that I’m feeling. I’m scared, no not scared but nervous. I know it’s ridiculous but I am. I know that times has passed between us and I still love her more than anything but what if we changed too much? When we talk on the phone I feel warmth coursing through my veins and a sense of nostalgia…I miss her.
Obviously things will be different, they have to be…but things will change for the better our friendship will be able to grow more since Philip is gone lol. I don’t know why I’m feeling insecure…chalk it up to lack of human contact and human relationships and all this new in my life. Since I’ve came back from the hospital I’ve been in a perpetual state of happiness, awe, and confusion. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses for everything they’ve done for me, and I know removing Philip was obviously the right and healthy thing to do but the life I had with it was all I knew. I’m struggling to build a new life…with Philip I didn’t have much of a social life except with my best friend then she moved away and all I had left with Philip. I’m naturally self-conscious and awkward in social situations and with it gave me an excuse to just stay home and myself from the world. He was my excuse and I think I a tiny part of me actually enjoyed. With no social life all I had was school…I enjoy school…but I haven’t been in school since October of 2009 and I don’t start school again until August of 2010. No school, no life, and no friends…well scratch that, I have a friend, Minerva, a fourth year Journalism student at Metro. I’ve slowly started trying to make contact with life, starting with Minerva. Recently, I had Minerva over and we made dinner and watched movies. It was nice…awkward since I haven’t had anybody over in years but it was nice for me. Maybe I was starving for company, but I was really open with her and she was as well. At the end of the night I knew I had a friend not like my best friend but a friend nonetheless. We even made plans to catch a movie next week. Fuck and you know what else? My fucking period! Sorry for the weird change of subject but FUCK I can’t believe I got like 30 more years of this shit! LOL I’ve been really down lately mostly because I don’t have shit to do! Well and a lot of other things too but I think I’m slowly beginning to feel better. Mom says I just need to be patient and when school starts then I’ll be back to my old self…well new self but feel much better. I can try to be patient but I’ve been patient all my life and I’m tired.