lovlylina

            First it was I who walked out of your house next it was you who walked out of my house. I’m a wonderful liar to myself, I bury things deep and don’t think about them, but for the last 12 days I’ve been restless, for 12 days I haven’t been able to think straight. I need to write this down, to purge my mind in order to function once again. 

            Ever since I walked out of your old house two years ago; I’ve had a massive hangover. As absurd, ridiculous, or even silly as this sounds it’s true…I’ve really missed you friend. Years of drunken happiness have sustained me through your absence…memories of giggle fits, sleepovers, Friday luncheons, artistic differences, and movie nights…I’ve missed it all. You were my weekly hit…lol I’m sorry I’m comparing you to drugs and alcohol. 

            When I left I still had you in my system…I still rode the natural high I always got around you. Though as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months I slowly started going through withdrawal…I didn’t know what to feel. LOL hence the perpetual hangover…your recent visit brought me relief. Much needed respite, an escape to the paradise I talked about. LOL my bloody Mary…you relieved me of my hangover, if only for a short amount of time. There was still so much left un-done. Memories of literal drunken happiness will have to sustain for now…until our next encounter. xoxo

Step one: Feed the birds

Step two: Feed the squirrels

Step three: Make sure the birds have clean water

Step four: Make sure you water the plants, but not too much

 
****These simple steps are part of the usual lecture my Dad gives me every time he goes to Mexico. He thinks we won’t be able to survive without him. He tries to prep me for any emergency and gives a list of numbers to call for help…he leaves the care of the house maintenance in my hands. I usually ignore him and act like I’m paying attention just to placate him. My mom tells me this is his way of saying good-bye and that his is going to miss us. I wish sometimes he could just spit it out but I’ve learned to read between the lines with him and I’m use to it. This time was different…this time I paid attention…this time I followed his instructions to the letter. Why? I don’t know…maybe to comfort him…maybe to make him proud of me…I really don’t know but I did it. On June 26, 2010 we had to put our dear dog, Snuffy, to sleep…he would have been 13 in September, if it hadn’t been for old age and the liver tumor that was found. God I miss him…I still see him when I close my eyes. I cry when I’m alone. My mom is trying to be strong for my dad and I’m trying to be strong for the both of them. I look at his picture everyday and my parents can’t bear to look at him yet. I wonder if my excellent ability at burying my emotions is helping me to cope or seem strong in front of my parents.  Something that just kills me is that when we left (we couldn't watch him go to sleep) he still tried to get up and go with us.  He thought it was time go home I guess...I kissed him good-bye and i left.   

****It’s been hard on us all but it’s been the hardest on my dad. I’ve never seen him cry so hard before. I didn’t know what to do…I wanted to comfort him so bad, but I froze and settled for patting his shoulder. My dad left on Wednesday (06/30/2010) and every day since we put Snuffy to sleep his eyes were always watery, and from time to time his voice would crack. I really hope his time away does him some good, but I’m also worried because this will be his first home coming without Snuffy being here. To make matters worse, an aunt of mine in Mexico (the bitch) decided to name her two dogs Snuffy and Tio because they were similar in color. My dad is going to be there interacting with these dogs! What is it going to do to him?! You don’t steal other people’s dogs’ names! So I’m trying…I’m following his instructions word for word. I’m getting up early to feed the birds and the squirrels and then promptly again at 3pm. I make sure to water the plants just enough. I smile to myself, as I mirror my dad’s actions…I see myself in him. In the early mornings I hear birds chirping. I feel the sun on my face. It’s so quiet and peaceful…I think maybe this is why he does this. 

****All we can do is take it one day at a time…we knew this was inevitable but no one is ever ready to lose a beloved pet, a beloved family member.  I mean what kind of life could he have had if he couldn't even get up on his own anymore, even to go to the bathroom.  I think of the last thing my dad told me over the phone and it breaks heart. He told me to make sure I sleep in his room so our other dog Tio wouldn’t be lonely. Later, my mom told me while my dad was getting ready leave (we were at work) he placed his carry-on bag in the doorway of the kitchen and went outside. When he came back inside he could have sworn he saw Snuffy sitting in the doorway of the kitchen. His carry-on is black and the doorway to the kitchen was Snuffy’s favorite spot to sit in…it brought him to tears again. I’m glad I wasn’t there.  Rest in peace Snuffy.  I love you and I miss you. 

            Lately, I’ve been ignoring my journal…for a couple of months now. I really can’t say why. Maybe I had nothing to write about? No, I have a lot to write about, but sometimes I can’t think straight or maybe it’s just too hard to think. Lately, I’ve existed in a constant state of emptiness…I have no purpose…NOW…lol I feel like Annie Hall singing about tomorrow. Only my tomorrow is the end of June when my best friend comes to visit all the way from Minnesota. Seeing my friend again is the only thing I’ve dreamed about, but as the day approaches I’ve began to notice something that I’m feeling. I’m scared, no not scared but nervous. I know it’s ridiculous but I am. I know that times has passed between us and I still love her more than anything but what if we changed too much? When we talk on the phone I feel warmth coursing through my veins and a sense of nostalgia…I miss her. 

            Obviously things will be different, they have to be…but things will change for the better our friendship will be able to grow more since Philip is gone lol. I don’t know why I’m feeling insecure…chalk it up to lack of human contact and human relationships and all this new in my life. Since I’ve came back from the hospital I’ve been in a perpetual state of happiness, awe, and confusion. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to the doctors and nurses for everything they’ve done for me, and I know removing Philip was obviously the right and healthy thing to do but the life I had with it was all I knew. I’m struggling to build a new life…with Philip I didn’t have much of a social life except with my best friend then she moved away and all I had left with Philip. I’m naturally self-conscious and awkward in social situations and with it gave me an excuse to just stay home and myself from the world. He was my excuse and I think I a tiny part of me actually enjoyed. With no social life all I had was school…I enjoy school…but I haven’t been in school since October of 2009 and I don’t start school again until August of 2010. No school, no life, and no friends…well scratch that, I have a friend, Minerva, a fourth year Journalism student at Metro. I’ve slowly started trying to make contact with life, starting with Minerva. Recently, I had Minerva over and we made dinner and watched movies. It was nice…awkward since I haven’t had anybody over in years but it was nice for me. Maybe I was starving for company, but I was really open with her and she was as well. At the end of the night I knew I had a friend not like my best friend but a friend nonetheless. We even made plans to catch a movie next week. Fuck and you know what else? My fucking period! Sorry for the weird change of subject but FUCK I can’t believe I got like 30 more years of this shit! LOL I’ve been really down lately mostly because I don’t have shit to do! Well and a lot of other things too but I think I’m slowly beginning to feel better. Mom says I just need to be patient and when school starts then I’ll be back to my old self…well new self but feel much better. I can try to be patient but I’ve been patient all my life and I’m tired.  

The day comes to an end on a somber note. My mom is a cleaning lady and has several offices…one of those offices being a funeral home. I’m no stranger to this place, or stranger to open caskets as well. Not a stranger but not accustomed…I’m grateful that I’ve only seen a couple of open caskets, and that most of the time the caskets are closed. I offer words of peace anytime I encounter a deceased. The eternal sleepers that I’ve seen have all been old and I think, “At least they lived a full life.” This gives little comfort but it’s all I can think of. After a while I began to look at the different styles of caskets, urns and memory keepsakes and I found them beautiful. I thought what a lovely way to remember a lost loved one. Today was different…today was hard…today will stay with me…today little Tyler died. 

            I was on the third bottom level of the funeral home and I passed an arrangement room where they hold viewings. Nobody was there so I went in to give it a quick clean…it looked like they were getting ready to bring in the deceased. I froze in place. There were pictures of a small little boy with blond hair, clear ice-blue eyes, and an infectious smile. Dear God…5 yrs old…and he’s gone…I looked to the side of where they were going to place him and there on the corner was a spider man blanket neatly folded. I left immediately…I was just stunned…what could have happened to end this little boy’s life so quickly? I imagined what his epitaph would say as I ran up the stairs…I really don’t know why. I hid in the bathroom for a moment. I tried not to think of him and I had some mild success, but towards the end I had to go back downstairs to restock the bathroom. I couldn’t help it…I had to…I turned to look into the room where they were preparing for Tyler’s viewing and a single tear slid down my cheek. As I was finishing upstairs, the morticians placed little Tyler’s body in the room…and they covered him with his spider man blanket. He was beautiful…laying there it with his little hands at his sides it seemed that he was merely sleeping and soon he would wake up from his nap.  The eternal child…may you find peace. 

            Be grateful that you’ve lived this far…be grateful that you’ve been blessed with life. I know life is hard sometimes but be grateful and live each day like it’s your last.

Forget…

Remember…

Forget…

Remember…

Forbidden to remember
Terrified to forget.
My dilapidated heart continues to beat.
Worn by a torment of elements but beat it does.
Haunted by ghosts,
Aided by angels,
My deplorable heart remembers the ages.
Flowers fade
& seasons change
But my memory is slow to fade.
Forbidden to remember
Terrified to forget
My only wish is that I forget.

 Oh how I wish…

UPDATE!!!!! In my new life...post philip and all...I experience news things daily.  I savor everything....the simplest acts almost bring me to tears somethimes, but I hold them back because I feel foolish.   It's hard to explain it...I mean today for the first time in a long time I was able to shave my legs.  I know....I know how stupid, how vain, how un-important, but I felt so worthless when months ago my mom told me if I wanted to she could shave my legs for me.  So worthless...so worthless...that's what I thought when she spoke those words.  I was so useless that I couldn't take care of myself.  I look back on my old self and it seems like it was years ago. It's like savoring  a glass of water...i savor the feeling of every muscle as it's moving.  I savor the feeling of walking and I'm almost effervescent when someone recognizes me from T.V. and asks me how I'm doing and also that they are very happy for me. 

Even though I have a new life....I'm scared....I'm scared to try on new clothes.  I'm scared to sit in a booth at resturants, I'm scared to open up.  To open the flood gates, so to speak, terrifes me because I've had to hide so much in the past to seem like a happy person on the outside.  Forbidden to remember but terrified to forget....I wish to never remember the past...the dark ages...my rock bottom, but I am terrified to forget the past at the same time.  Like it or not...my past has shaped the very person I am today and I would not change it.  Though I would like to make improvements.  The one vice that i brought into my next life: food.  I have an unreasonable, emotional attachment to food.  I do not satisfy this urge or vice constantly, but I do know it's there.  Sometimes I feel like I use it for control and other times in hightened moments of emotion I find my self eating.  Again this is not all the time, but I wish it would stop....I feel like a loser always blaming....no not blaming....i don't know...attributing  my problems to the time when my mom was drinking.  I remember so clearly when weekends would come rolling and my mom would buy her self a six pack or a bottle of canadian mist and for my self something to eat so I would shut up, and everything i would shut up and just eat.  Eat to get full...to feel something....to cover the emptiness.  I fervently wish to move on but I keep coming back to the past....and I hate it.

            LoL at the behest of a beloved friend I will begin blogging about my reading sessions with a dear cousin of mine.  As of last week, I have been meeting with my cousin everyday to read a chapter from New Moon.  Last Christmas I observed with delight that my cousin received a copy of Twilight as a gift from his mother.  Through motherly gossip my mother found out he watches the movie regularly and saw New Moon in theaters as quickly as I did.  Through more well-intended motherly gossip my mother discovered that he asked my aunt if she could buy him the Twilight books to read.  His mom hesitant to spend the money told him she would think about it.  It is not that she thinks books to be wasteful, but my dear cousin is not known for his scholarly efforts in school, especially in reading.  So I offered to my aunt an idea...what if I was to help my cousin with his reading through the use of the Twilight books.  I have the whole saga and to add I bought the audiobooks as well...I thought if we were to listen and follow along that would help him to take up an interest in reading. 

            Through our discussions I found out that he is Team Jacob, though by discussions I do mean a series of probing questions that got him to open up.  He is not necessarily a chatty Cathy, so I am trying to open him up and get him in the routine of asking questions.  Right off the bat I saw a great deal in myself in him.  I use to struggle with reading and really didn't enjoy it at all.  That really softened me to him....lol I intended to strict and tough with him but I immediately dropped that notion.   Last week he was just finishing up CSAP testing....ugh just hearing that made me cringe.  How I dreaded those times, but know that I look back I laugh and would probably welcome that instead of the harder tasks of college life lol.  During our first reading session I noticed a lot. He twitched and moved around a lot…I noticed he rubbed his eyes often and as he tried to read out loud it would prove to be a difficult task. It was like looking back in time…I was him…I felt for him…I want to help him. 

            I want to help him…I’m very self-deprecating…what makes me think that I can actually help? Does he even take in anything I say? Does he want to be here? I can I make a difference? I mean I want to be a teacher in the future! What I’m not capable? Though something I hear this past Saturday made me feel a little better. I was leaving a party at my grandma’s house and I turned to say good-bye to him and he said, “See you Monday.” Those three little words made me feel all fuzzy inside. I know it to be foolish but they did. Did that mean he was looking forward to our session? I promised him if we finish one of the twilight books before June I’ll take him to see the third Twilight movie: Eclipse.   So let us see how this goes…wish me luck! Lol I am welcome to suggestions.

LMAO...This question made me laugh a lot...but I've had to live through this from time to time.  I know the feeling lol...idk man I'm so wired these days.  I have to keep checking my facebook...twiiter...or Myspace...it's really sad.  I've gone to paying things online...making myself more dependent on my internet.  I literally go through withdrawl syndrom the first days without internet, but then I kind of start liking the feeling of being un-plugged...I have more time to do things other things than just sitting in front a computer screen.  LOL but when my internet comes back...woahhhh the addiction comes back with a vegence! lol Now I've lived w/o my internet connection before but to live w/o my phone is another matter....lol I have not experienced that yet.  How sad! lol

I'm tired...I'm tired of pretending it doesn't hurt...I'm tired of pretending I'm not angry.  My beautiful mother is going on her fourth year of being sober.  I am so proud of her and everyday I love her even more...we've been through a lot together and came out smiling, but I was the only ONE who saw her drunk...the only ONE who cleaned up after her messes...the only ONE who would find her empty bottles and hide them because she didn't want anyone else to know.  I was the only ONE who helped her move on to realize she was hurting herself and me as well.  Not one person from my family helped us out, even though they knew she liked her drink and was getting out of hand.  I mean didn't anyone think that they should have taken me away? That I shouldn't see my mom in such a state...I'm angry at my family....I want to be angry at my mom but I could never.  My beautiful mom, who I cried over so much, who I cared for as a mother would for her child, and because I witnessed crying because I wouldn't drive her to the liquor store.   What does it matter now? It's all in the pass...my beautiful mother is sober and and everyday I thank God or whatever is out there.  It's just that I never got to express my feelings when this was happening....I bottled them up inside because I had to be strong....I've always had to be strong.  God I could remember when I would go over to my friend's house for a sleepover to try to get away for awhile and have fun, but the whole time in the back of my mind I would be so worried about my sweet mom.  I've always covered my saddness with  smiles...oh how I felt so horrible when I wished she would just pass out because I didn't know how to deal with her anymore.  The only real reason I'm even reflecting on this is because yesterday I went to a stupid jewelry party my aunt was hosting.  I'm fucking glad we didn't buy anything....that stupid party was just a bunch of people drinking and trying on jewelry.  I wasn't worried and neither was my mom, but my aunt like nothing ever happened offered her a drink and said something stupid like one  drink won't kill her...I don't even remember! My dear mother refused respectfully and I was so proud.  I felt so insulted that that my aunt even offered her a drink! She knew what she went through, though she only saw a glimpse.  "It's only one drink...it's not going to kill you" OMFG yes it will u ignorant being!  You she's so blind and foolish...thinking she knows everything! I hate this...I lie to myself and say everything is ok..it doesn't hurt anymore, but once i even think about it I can feel that it still hurts so much.  I feel that old weight on my shoulders come back and my chest feels heavy.  Though I am happy it doesn't stay like it use to...it's only here for a moment.  Sometimes I think God who wants to hear my story? Get a life and quit ur bitching...everyone has it hard.  Move on....I guess this all exploded because of that stupid party...I'm just tired of being sad...I guess that's why I always hide it with smiles.  Yeah I'm a pretty messed up person...lol I'm working on becoming a happy person.

Within my circle of friends i think they might be surprised that my faveorite TV show is America's Next Top Model.  They have not personally told me this but i imagine some people might think that it's odd for a plus-size interested in a model show.  Where a bunch of sick skinny are competing for a modeling contract.  I can't help it it's my faveorite show.  I love the interesting photo shoots and i also am a big fan of tyra banks.